Don't forget her... She's still fighting.

Nothing

Tough month. Just in a span of days, my world changed. I am weak, I know.

I couldn't care less about politics, really. What I care about is the attitude portrayed and the treatment received whether by leaders or citizens. Same for church, company, family or any social unit. It's emotional selling, yes but it moves people.

Grandma fell and broke her hip, got operated on, and now cancer relapsed after a decade. A colleague's dad dropped dead just 30 minutes before she reached home last night. Pat's grandpa slipped into coma and beyond rather quickly. My dad has small issues here and there but none as terminal as his stubborn streak and it's hereditary too. Dang.

Such a feeling coming over me... There is insecurity in everything I see. It makes me wonder about the emotional and financial support as I age and what I'd do when it comes to the crunch. As little trouble for others as possible. Gonna start writing my will.

I am aware how easily forgotten I can be to some people... I just didn't expect to experience it to the degree of insult. "我到底是有多透明啊?" I exclaimed. And then I shut my gap. Maybe there's a lesson for me here. Another sees me as a fool and took me for a ride. Ah, another lesson. Another forgot how my hand was readily available when company and counsel was needed, and now views me more like a competitor. Pragmatism rules.

Maybe I ain't weak, I'm just pure foolish.

O life, you make me play by your rules and you make me shudder. You carry on without asking if I want to. I know how lonely you can be and maybe that explains your sadism. Just be fair, or should I say fairer? I am so wasting my breath.

Wth

It's been an downright emotional week. (No, not because I don't get much from Budget and Toto, or the death of Narnia's ED.) Of all people, I have to "provoke" a female with mere few words. Sometimes I wonder if how I felt is how men would normally feel. My deepest sympathy to you men... I know how oversensitive women can be. Sometimes I hate being one.

That unnecessary confrontation near midnight and the subsequent staring at Ks' photos led to a breakdown. I held my tongue for all the things I want to say and even attempted to appease her like the way her boyfriend/husband would, as if it's my big boo-boo.

And there are some other stuff... I can't say much on MY blog and MY FB. Silently screaming. Dear God, this is so tough. I feel like someone died. I think it's me.

K's Accessory

Spent very little time babysitting K today but am still happy. It's actually the highlight of my week. As you already know, I'm bored stiff with life.

Here we are in the queue for registration at Children's Church:

CC worker: Hi, are you a teacher here?
Me: Uhm, no... I'm her accessory. *pointing to K and tag*
CC worker: *smiles* Oh, okie...

I forgot to ask why she asked me that in the first place.

K is rather stoned today. There is no hop, skip and jump, no asking for food or toilet, just leaning close for support. Me too, I didn't even ask her to call me Yiyi. Guess it's cool or I'll have trouble catching up with her usual energy level.

Back to hell life.

11.1.11

What a day to talk about the work that I do. Most of it are charity, really.

Part confession time: I sacked one of my bosses - the melodramatic tyrannic one whom I freelance for since I quit officially in 2007. Yes, and I seem to be addicted to her or the work she does so much so that I can't say no to until today. An increment of $50 is what she attempted to make me stay and that makes me feel even more insulted I brought forward the last day from end Mar to end Feb. My emails are of course nice and my resignation is accepted. A webmistress and email publicity machine no more. Freedom.

Pros and cons: Because of that and another piece of news that's equally significant received today, I am a step closer to focus on doing the real work. I also just received another offer to work for a friend but I really cannot phantom myself going back to being employed. I miss the loafing days, medical benefits, taking MCs, stable income. As a self-employed, I also love to loaf and still get paid, go massage and shopping while everybody else are stuck at work, and on the streets tell every financial adviser which insurer I represent and every bank officer that I don't qualify to take on their credit cards. Grins.

Passion !=Fulfilling: I only earn enough, really. Nothing to pay for any wedding, house or items on my wish list. Half of the consultative work that I do is not remunerated. I service some for free. I worked hard in my first two years, am still convicted in what I do, but because of distractions here and there, I give myself reasons to slack. I still preach money management and risk management, but I also admit I am stuck in my comfort zone.

Judgment: I still believe that people ought to be slapped out of their reality that their insurance is either too much - unnecessary or expensive. Sure, too much money. Unfortunately people prefer to learn it the hard way either from their personal experiences or from people close to them. I am a very good example. At the same time, I also know that people hate to be sold to and, believe that some things cannot be forced so I should just move on (to the next person or the next industry). No offense but I also cringe when people tell me having children is affordable and insurance not. What a disfavor they do to their little ones. Life. It's really about perception. Your brain doesn't know a reality except what you tell it. That is your reality.

What I love to do: Ambassador-flavored, charity-linked, education-focused. Improve living conditions in third world countries, give children their rightful education, fund TED, inspire people, work like Bill & Melinda Gates and Tim Ferriss and on the other hand, teach idiotic Singaporeans urbanites how to manage life and clutter. And how do I do that without earning lots of moohlahs? Frustration infinity.

Too idealistic: So my reality at current is depressing and my faith very challenged. I am getting myself to face it piece by piece. Maybe by nano fractions. So that I can find myself somewhere closer to what I want to do and stop thinking about ending it all.

2010

I gives thanks for 2010 as it marks the year that I traveled more than I usually would - Malaysia, Hong Kong, Macau, and a little corner of China; I get a revamped sleeping corner that's supposedly better for my neck and back; and I gradually suffer less knee pain that was initially caused by an overdose of salads (we suspect).

Spending more time with friends and Ks bring sweet memories and I guess I'll do that more often this year.

What would make a great 2011 start for me? The start wasn't nice, but well. Life goes on.

It would make this second, minute, hour, day, week, month, year, life if I have my own place in the area that I want. Not in the outskirts, please.

I want to move out. I am tired of being treated like a tenant. My bro gets the license to have a whole room and never lack storage space because he leaves his mess everywhere. I, on the other hand, has to share my airwaves and living space with someone I cannot stand. I am a fairly neat and organized person but with such constraint and difference in treatment, you have to forgive my frustration and attitude.

I am darn silly when I asked to develop a part of the living area into storage cabinet/shelves so that everyone can utilize it. There's soooooo much space outside anyway. But it was shot down. So, forget it. Bear with my mess. I couldn't care less.

Worse, don't bet a dollar that I am going for resale unless a blessing from heaven comes raining down. So, that means I'll have to wait 3 years for it to be ready. I am so optimistic and full of joy hor?

So back to earth, I resort to getting rid of clutter that eats my miserable 100 sq ft space I occupy. I am near claustrophobic and love adequate space. Especially privacy. I counted I own more books and CDs than clothes. If I ever need to shift one day, I'll need a strong moving party.

Next: Decide if I want to switch career. Learn driving. Maintain my health vitals. Get rid of 5 kilos of mere weight, fat, whatever you may call it. I am tired of people calling me slim when I am not. Hahaha~ I am only good at using specific types of fashion to flaunt strengths and hide weaknesses. (I want to sell this service of mine leh...)

I am not sure if I really want to get on with His or his programme. I want to rock the boat. Yet I am afraid. What the. Actually, what's there to lose huh?

To be continued

Thinking about Narnia, my future with him, my 2011... Thinking about CW's question: What would make a great 2011 start for me... The answer is scary -- I don't know.

Do not comment. Construction in progress.